Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Frank Discussion About Underwear

A few weekends ago, I had a new experience- underwear shopping. Before you begin to question my hygiene or choices in undergarments, let me clarify- underwear shopping with married women. As I riffled through the $2.99 sales bin at Victoria Secret with my two married friends, I had this realization: a relationship dramatically changes the objectives and motivations of panty purchases in women. My motivation for underwear selection is based on cut, comfort, material; it’s a bonus if I find something cute. Perhaps I am a bit too pragmatic, but come on, no one ever sees me in them and it’s a bit of fabric whose whole purpose is to cover up various orifices for bodily waste. And since you wear them practically 24/7, they better be comfortable. At least, this is the thought process of this single woman.

However, watching my married friends picking up tiny scraps of fabric embellished with lace and asking each other “Would [insert male name] like these?” made me realize a man changes your purpose in underwear selection. Suddenly, the objective becomes to find something sexy that will hopefully cause increased appreciation from your partner. I can understand this to a degree; I imagine if I knew someone would actually see me in my panties, this would inspire me to spruce up my collection. But I promise you this- no man will ever cause me to convert my entire underwear collection into thongs. There is not a man out there who is worth suffering through constant wedgies. To this day, ten minutes is my best record for wearing a thong before I ripped it off in disgust and went back to the comfort of my bikini brief. I would rather be hugged in fabric than strangled by it. More power to all of the thong wears out there, you are stronger women than I am.

Back on track! This sounds terrible to admit, but I generally think of men as being unobservant. I feel that on a day to day basic, they could not recall what their woman was wearing let alone her underwear selection. However, I fully admit I have no knowledge of men, so I consulted yet another married friend on the matter. She told me she used to believe the same thing, and stated the same idea to her husband. She was extremely surprised when her husband perfectly described her current underwear to her. So perhaps there is some importance to this underwear thing after all. Which poses the question- is underwear selection similar to the great quote from “The Field of Dreams”? If I wear attractive underwear, will a relationship come?

But why must women be the only ones to worry about pleasing their significant other with their undergarment selection? Here is a situation you will never see- several men digging through a bin of boxers, boxer-briefs, briefs, etc, picking up a pair and turning to their friend, saying “Do you think [insert woman’s name] will like theses? What do you think of the color on me?” It will never happen. To men its underwear and the only concern is comfort (sounds like me actually). And as women, we don’t care. As long as it is not stained or holey, we are unconcerned. Oh the undergarment double standard!

Thus ends my long missive on underwear. It’s time for me and my sensible single girl panties to go to bed.